SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back. I want to talk about something today that is well known in the widow community, but almost never spoken about in Catholic circles. And I think the silence around it can do some real damage. It's called Widow's Fire.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Welcome to the Catholic Grief Podcast. I'm Jenny Berba. After walking through profound loss, I discovered that grief and faith are not enemies. In this space, we speak openly about grieving. We bring our grief to the foot of the cross, anchor ourselves in Scripture and the sacraments, and gently rebuild with Christ at the center. If you are carrying sorrow, you are seeing it here. Let's walk this path together.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

So in a previous episode, I talked about losing the person, losing your person, the one who you grew up with, the one that knew you better than yourself. But when you lose your spouse, you also lose the intimacy, the kissing, the hugging, the one that knew how to cheer you up and hold you. And these things deserve to be acknowledged and grieved too. I remember the fears of never being passionately kissed again. And if you remember, Sean had been in the hospital for a whole month, and I did not get to kiss him goodbye. I also struggled with the fear of never experiencing the marital embrace again. And the very, very real fear of not finding anyone that would want to love me and marry me with ten children in tow. That possibility seemed like a pipe dream. Who's gonna want to take on ten children that they had no part in bringing into this world? That is not an easy task to ask anyone to take on. And so I struggled with that a lot. There are a lot of things that are real here and that need to be acknowledged and brought to God, and He will comfort you in this. So let's pause and pray and bring God into our pain. In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Heavenly Father, you created us for relationships. You created us to get out of love and to be loved. Please guide us through this hardship. Guide us through our worry and our pain. Help us to stay close to you. Wrap us in your loving arms. Embrace us and pull us close to your heart. In your name we pray. Amen. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. When you have been married and physical intimacy has been a normal and in our Catholic faith, a very sacred part of your life for years. And then it is suddenly gone, your body does not adjust to that easily. That desire does not disappear. And for a young widow, especially a woman whose body is still very much alive in every sense of the word, the longing for that kind of connection can be overwhelming. I tried so hard to lean into my faith. I prayed. I searched for answers. I searched for coping mechanisms. I genuinely wanted to do the right thing. But I will not sit here and tell you it was easy, because it definitely was not. And I think the reason so many Catholic widows suffer silently with this is because we are afraid that admitting this struggle makes us a bad Catholic. So we carry it alone and feel ashamed of something that is actually very deeply human. The thing to remember is the desire itself is not a problem. God wired us for love and intimacy within marriage. That was his whole gift of the sacrament of marriage. And having been married, having known that kind of closeness, and then having it taken away is a real loss. That ache, that desire, it is not a character flaw. It is the ache of a heart that was made for a covenant marriage. And you are grieving at the loss of that. Saint Paul expresses this in what in First Timothy chapter 5, verses 11 to 16. And I'm gonna read that for you. And I'm using the Ascension Press Adventure Bible. But refuse to enroll younger widows, for when they grow one on against Christ, they desire to marry, and so they incur condemnation for having violated their first pledge. Besides that, they learn to be idlers, gadding about from house to house, and not only idlers, but gossips and busybodies saying what they should not. So I would have younger widows of Mary bear children, rule their households, and give the enemy no occasion to revile us. For some have already strayed after Satan. If any believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her assist them. Let the church not be burdened, so that it may assist those who are real widows. Let that sink in. That is in the Bible, that is scripture from Saint Paul. Earlier in verse 9, Saint Paul says to enroll widows that are not less than 60 years of age. So any widow who is 60 years or older, at least in this time period, we're expected to become advocates for the church and to help the younger widows. But those younger than 60, that's who Paul is talking about here. Those younger than 60, he encourages you to get remarried. When I read this, it just made a weight come off my shoulders. He writes this with such remarkable directness about young widows, advising those of us that are young to marry, to have more children, and to be there for our households because he recognizes we're still raising children. His reasoning was rooted in pastoral realism. He understood the struggle. He, as a man, could even see the struggle of young widows. A woman who has been married knows that being single is likely not her calling, and it is wise and it is good for her to remarry if she has a long life ahead of her. I just adored this verse, and it was such a blessing from God to put this verse in front of me because it's not one I had ever heard before I was a widow. Because I had been walking around with this guilt, this sense that wanting to love again somehow meant that either I hadn't loved Sean enough, or that I was moving too fast, or that I was being selfish. And there it was right there in the Bible, in God's own words, through Paul, saying that the desire of a young widow to remarry is not just understandable, it is wise, it is good, and it is encouraged. And that was a gift that I did not expect to find. And I want to pass it directly to anyone listening today who needs it. If you are in that struggle right now, please listen to me. You are not alone. Bring it to confession if you need to. Bring it to God in prayer. Find a spiritual director who can walk with you in it, but do not let the shame keep you isolated, because isolation makes everything harder. I know this was a short episode, but I think it was such an important episode and needed to stand alone because this is such a big topic and a big emotion. I pray that this episode has brought you some hope and maybe some more clarity about your path. Please help this podcast reach others who need it by liking, subscribing, and sharing. I love you all. Talk to you again soon.