In today's episode, I am going to be talking about the first moments of widowhood. What I'm going to be talking about is my personal experience. And from the conversations that I've had, almost everyone has a different experience at the very beginning of widowhood. Different but similar. So let's get started. Welcome to the Catholic Grief Podcast. I'm Jenny Berba. After walking through profound loss, I discovered that grief and faith are not enemies. In this space, we speak openly about grieving. We bring our grief to the foot of the cross, anchor ourselves in Scripture and the sacraments, and gently rebuild with Christ at the center. If you are carrying sorrow, you are seeing it here. Let's walk this path together. And that means my mother-in-law is also now a widow. And that has hit me a little bit differently than I expected it to. But before we go into those first moments of widowhood, let's pray. Amen. Heavenly Father, thank you so much for everything that you have provided for us. Continue to be present for those of us that are grieving. Especially for those of us that are just stepping out into this new path. Guard our hearts. Help us to know that we are not alone. Help us to seek the help that we need. Allow this podcast to reach the people that you need it to reach. Open their ears and open their hearts. In your name we pray. Amen. The name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Amen. So in my last solo episode, I talked about losing my husband, Sean. I talked about the hospital visit and that whole experience, and it became very long. So I knew that I needed to cut it off and talk about those first moments of widowhood separately. I did mention how the first words out of my mouth were he was not always a good man, and how shocking that was for me. Because I loved him. He was my best friend. We grew up together. And for those to be the first words that came out of my mouth was mind-boggling. So that definitely caused me to do a whole lot of soul searching and reading the Bible and seeking out others who had been in the same situation to see what it was like for them. It was a very lonely place, but I was so blessed to have a friend who had actually several friends who had already stepped into widowhood before me. I have one friend that I talk to a lot right now, who's actually helping me build my business, who her business is based off of Elizabeth, Mary's cousin, and how Elizabeth was pregnant before Mary and was there to help guide Mary through what Mary was about to experience. And so for me, these women, uh Kitty and Linda, they were my Elizabeths in that moment. They gave me the support that I needed, and they were amazing. But having those people present didn't help or stop certain emotions that came about and certain um certain situations. And that was a struggle for me too, making that decision. But I was having some wild, crazy, disturbing dreams that would not stop. So at the advice of a friend, I joined a dating website to start talking to unmarried men to hopefully get all of that stuff to stop. And it did. So that was what those first moments were like for me. The crazy dreams, the roller coaster emotions, and the doubts, and the memories seemed foggy. Like I, because of those first words that came out of my mouth, I had a lot of anger, and I had a lot of doubts, and I struggled to remember a lot of the happy times. It was a lot of the difficult times and the challenging times that were initially coming back to me. So when I started trying to venture back out, I ended up going back down to the Hampton Roads area, which is where I met my first husband and where we got married and where we started our family. And I reconnected with friends, and my first boyfriend was living down there. My first after-widowhood boyfriend was living down there. And I will admit, I did some pretty reckless things, but I recently heard another widow talk about how when you lose your spouse, it is very um normal. That's not quite the word I'm looking for, but for you to revert back to who you were before you met that person. Um, and I found that to be very true in my case because he and I met when we were 16. And so amongst all of that initial grief, you know, I realized, and this was something that I struggled with throughout our marriage, that I missed out on my entire young adult life, you know, going out to the bars and dancing and drinking and having fun and having no worries. I mean, that was all stuff that I realized I didn't allow myself to have by getting pregnant at 17. Um, so that is something that is likely to happen when you first become a widow, is that in the process of trying to find out who you are without your spouse, you revert back to before you met your spouse because that's the last time that your brain can remember what it was like to not be with them. It's really quite interesting and fascinating. And I was going to get a minor in a psychology, but after starting my first class, I decided that I didn't want to go that route because graphic design work is hard enough. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna go research psychology stuff on my own because it is so fascinating how the brain works through all of this. So there were a lot of moments when I went back to the area where Sean and I met that I struggled with the happy memories. I remembered the happy memories and I broke down and cried a lot. I specifically remember going to the high school that he graduated from for my um the boyfriend that I had at the time, his son was uh doing a sporting event there, and we went to pick him up. And oh my goodness, going to that high school, I spiraled. I cried for almost 24 hours after that, and it was so unexpected because I didn't go to that high school, but I remember going to prom there, I remember going to after prom, I remember going to his graduation, and it was just it was this whole huge emotional bubble exploding, and then I think one of the hardest parts was all of the judgment that came towards me during that beginning period because people like to put their expectations onto you, what they think they would do if they were in the same situation as you. Yes, your children are a priority, you do need to take care of them, but it's okay to ask for help from others to take your children for a little while so that you can go out with friends, go out and explore new things. There were at least two times that I can remember where I asked my parents to take the kids for a weekend, and I went and got a hotel room and took my journal and my Bible, and I just focused on me so that I could reset, so that I could work through my emotions and help myself get better and get out of the fog so that I could be present with my children because it was so so difficult. There's still so much that I know that I want to say, but I wanted to make sure that this was all coming from my heart, so I did not write a script this time. When you start introducing new people into your life that are possible love interests, that also brings up a whole bunch of emotions and thoughts, and one of the things that you have to be very, very careful of is comparing this new person to the spouse that you lost, because that is also something that can drive you crazy, that can ruin the new relationship that you have started, and that can rob you from the happiness that you deserve. There were things about the people that I met that were so completely different than Sean. And it's hard to say it's still hard for me to say that there were parts of them that they were able to do and handle things better than Sean would. But at the same time, there's things that Sean did and said that were better than these new people did and said, so that's why you really have to separate it when you are pursuing these new relationships. And speaking of relationships, your relationships with your late spouse's family and with friends that either were that person's friends first or were friends that are couples, they will change. And you will likely lose some of those relationships. And that's part of those secondary losses that they talk about that come along with grief. I currently feel like I have less friends than I have ever had in my life. I'm working on making new friends, but making new friends as an adult is really, really difficult because most adults are really busy, busy with work, busy with their own kids, busy with their own jobs. So it's hard. But I also have found that friendships it's quality over quantity, and I do have a good number of high-quality friends that I value so much. I think that the biggest advice that I have for those that are newly widowed is to give yourself grace. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions. If you can write it down in a journal, or just write it down on a piece of paper, or do a video of yourself talking it out, if video is more your thing, or a voice memo, because there's something very cathartic about putting your feelings down on paper. I think one of the most healing things that I did was I wrote a letter to Sean. I wrote a letter telling him that I forgive him for the things that were hurtful that were bubbling up inside me and coming to the forefront right after his death. But I also wrote in there why I loved him, how much I missed him, and how I will be praying for him to enter the kingdom of heaven when you are going through this, it is so important to make sure that you give yourself the time to heal, that you find the people you need to find, that you have someone you can talk to. Whether you need to find a coach or a therapist or a counselor or just talk to your local priest, spiritual guidance. I actually did all of those things. Some of them lasted longer than others, but it was so extremely helpful. I also found a program that was through a coach, but I didn't hire her as a coach. I just downloaded the program where I worked on learning how to be a single woman and comfortable in my own skin. Because when you are with someone for a long period of time, you forget how to do that. And it becomes scary to do that. But you need to, you do need to push yourself to do it, do it gently, do it slowly, take your time with how you're comfortable. But I did get to the point where I had to just bite the bullet and go take myself out for dinner by myself. I knew that it was gonna feel awkward, it did feel awkward, but doing it that very first time, it broke that barrier, and I was able to do it all the time after that, and it was so freeing. Widowhood is going to be unique for everyone because the length of the relationship, the circumstances of the relationship, the dynamic between the two, all of that is gonna factor into how you feel. Because there are a number of widows out there who feel like they will they have no desire to remarry, that they feel that that spouse that they had was everything they wanted, and they can't imagine finding anyone better, and that's fine, that's how they feel. Then there's other widows who did not have a good marriage, and because they didn't have a good marriage, they don't want to go seek out another one because, in their mind, they would prefer just to stay single rather than risk having another bad marriage. Then there are widows who Had a complicated marriage, so to speak, which is what I like to call mine. Like the beginning was difficult. We were young, we were learning about each other, we were growing up together, becoming parents is the same time as becoming a married couple. But different life circumstances and our faith allowed us to grow together and become stronger together. So while yes, I did choose to get remarried because I did love being married. And that was extremely helpful for me. It helped me really be cognizant of the people that I was meeting and that I was talking to, and making sure that I kept my eyes open. I asked the questions that I needed to ask to make sure that the person that I was marrying was who my children and myself needed. And I am so blessed that God provided that for me. I hope that all of this was helpful. I hope that what I have said here touches you and reaches you in the places that you need it. But again, give yourself grace. Give yourself time. Don't rush it. Everyone has their own timeline. If you're ready to get back out into the world in two months, then do that. Don't hold yourself back because of what other people's expectations are. If you are not ready to date or not ready to go out and travel the world or anything like that, that's okay. Give yourself time to sit with it. But I also want to say, don't get stuck there. A lot of times they say that you should not make any decisions within the first year of widowhood. I did not take that advice, but I don't regret not taking that advice because that is what my family and I needed. And looking back, I can see that where my family and I are right now is exactly where we need to be because all of my kids are thriving in school and in their adult lives. And I'm so proud of them, and I'm so proud of that. But it's not for everyone. Some people are gonna take longer, some people are gonna take shorter, some people are gonna decide that they don't want to date and don't want to get remarried, and that's okay too. No one should put any pressure on a widow to do anything. Everyone's grief is different, yet similar, and everyone is going to experience it differently and have different desires after the fact. So that's what I have to say to all of you. I will be back hopefully next week. I did have to get um a job to help uh our family income. So my schedule's been a little wonky, which is why I haven't been consistently every week, but I'm trying really hard to be at least every other week. Um, but I have a few more interviews that are coming up that I'm gonna be releasing soon, too. And I would love to hear from you guys if there are any specific topics that you want me to discuss on here or have an expert guest on for you to listen to. Thank you so much for being here. I am praying for you. If this episode has given you something valuable that you need, or if you know someone that could get something out of it, please like, share, and subscribe. And I will talk to y'all later.