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Have you ever looked at your life and realized it looks nothing like you thought it would? Not in the small ways, but in the deep life-altering ways. The kind of moments that leave you asking, God, where are you? Welcome to the Catholic Grief Podcast. I'm Jenny Berba. After walking through profound loss, I discovered that grief and faith are not enemies. In this space, we speak openly about grieving. We bring our grief to the foot of the cross, anchor ourselves in Scripture and the sacraments, and gently rebuild with Christ at the center. If you are carrying sorrow, you are seen here. Let's walk this path together. Hey, I'm really glad you found me. Let's begin with a prayer in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Heavenly Father, you see every heart listening right now. You see the grief they carry, the questions they hold, the pain they may not even have words for. Lord, meet them here in the quiet, in the uncertainty, in the ache. Help them to know that you are close to the brokenhearted, that you have not abandoned them, that even in their suffering you are present. And Lord, as I share my story today, I ask that you would use it for your glory and for the healing of every heart listening. We entrust this time to you. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Before I can walk with you in your grief, I want you to know who I am and how God has met me in mine. I grew up as a military child, which meant moving a lot every two years. It meant new homes, new schools, new friendships that didn't always last, and always being the new girl. And while I didn't realize it at the time, that kind of life quietly forms you. I learned how to adapt, how to step into new environments and figure things out quickly. But I also learned what it felt like to not always feel grounded, to be a little bit untethered. I never know how to answer the question of where I grew up. Where's my hometown? And looking back now, I see that even then, God was preparing me for a time such as this, just like Queen Esther, planting seeds of resilience long before I would need them. And for that, I am so incredibly grateful. I became a mom at seventeen, just one week before my eighteenth birthday. And three months later, I was married. I remember the shock of seeing the positive pregnancy test and entering into a state of denial. I tried to ignore it, but obviously I eventually was far enough along I could no longer ignore the fact I was about to become a mother. I was scared, and I knew this would change my entire future. I had to grieve the fact that I had to spend my young adult years learning how to be a family with the father of my child, now my husband, and our son. And I was not able to experience prom my high school graduation or my college years the same way as my peers. I stepped into adulthood quickly, carrying responsibilities that most people don't face until much later. And like many young marriages, there were struggles, unspoken hurts, growing pains, moments that felt heavy, complicated, and uncertain. There were times that it felt like we were just trying to survive rather than truly living. But despite the odds, we stayed together and had seven healthy pregnancies and babies. And then we got pregnant with baby number eight. And we experienced pregnancy loss. And that kind of grief, it changes you. You see, we were almost at the twenty-week mark. We had already named him. We knew it was a boy, and we were so excited. But losing a child that you have dreams about that you can envision your other children playing with. But in the middle of that loss, something began to shift. And instead of pulling us farther apart, it became a turning point. That loss became the place where God met us. Where he began, we began to turn toward him together through prayer, through seeking him in ways that we hadn't before. Through healing that didn't happen overnight, but slowly and faithfully. It didn't erase the pain, but it did bring meaning into it. And for the first time, we began to see how God could work even in our brokenness. And that season drew me deeper into my faith, into the sacraments, into prayer, into daily mass, and into moments of sitting in Eucharistic adoration, in the presence of Jesus. Not always with the right words, not always with understanding, but simply being there, learning how to sit with God, even in the unknown. And then he blessed us with three more healthy pregnancies and babies. However, when it felt like everything was starting to move in our favor and life was becoming easier, my world changed again. I lost my husband to COVID. We both got sick. We both went into the hospital. I got better in three days. He got worse and didn't survive. And everything that I thought I knew about my life, about my future, and even who I was, it all shattered. I became a widow, a mother navigating grief, while still needing to show up every single day for my ten children, including an infant who was only five months old. I needed to stay strong and stay alive for them. And suddenly life felt completely different. And I felt completely lost. There were moments where I didn't even know how I was going to keep going. Moments where the weight of everything felt so heavy and overwhelming. Moments filled with questions and uncertainty and deep, deep grief. I could not understand how God could let this happen. How he could give me ten beautiful children only to take away my husband and their father, so young.

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But even there, God was present, but not always in ways that I could feel it, and not always in ways I could understand it. But he was there.

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And slowly, gently, he began to rebuild what was broken. Not back into what it was before, but into something new, into something that I could never have imagined. So today I am remarried to an amazing man that has stepped up into the father role for my children. I am a mother of a beautifully blended family now with thirteen children. And I am a woman who has seen that even in the deepest grief, God does not waste our suffering. And that is why this podcast exists, because I know what it feels like to sit in the darkness, to carry questions, and to wonder where God is. And I want to walk with you there, to gently guide you back to the truth, to be who I wish I had when I was first starting my grief journey.

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God is near, even here, even in their deepest suffering.

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We know this because scripture tells us over and over again. And one scripture verse that has continually come to the forefront during my journey is Psalms 3419, which says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, but saves those whose spirit is crushed.

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Don't push him out. It's natural to feel angry with him, but keep an open mind and an open heart.

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As we close today, I want you to take a moment and ask yourself this. When did your grief begin? Not just the event, but the moment that everything shifted. Because in our next episode, we're going to step into that moment together. The moment grief enters your life and how it begins to shape everything that follows. And more importantly, how God meets you there. Thank you so much for being here with me today. If this episode spoke to your heart, I invite you to subscribe, share it with someone who you think may need it, and come back for the next episode. I'll see you there. And remember, Christ is near.

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You are not alone.